So I decided to write this post while walking past the Regal Majestic movie theater in Downtown, Silver Spring today, replaying the countless times I found my great movie experience turn sour there. 90% of the time, this is, of course due to those dreadful “talkers”. They are the people who feel they have to add their own dialogue to the movie. They are the people who feel they have to repeat everything the main character says out loud. Actually, I think those people are in competition with the comedian wayyyyy in the back, the kid who just has to check his text messages every five seconds ten rows down, and the woman who decided that an R-rated movie was perfectly fine for her three year old to see. She’s actually the sister in-law of the woman who chews and crunches her popcorn five octaves too loud. Uughhh!
Yep, that’s right! Those people! You know it really grinds my gears whenever I’m in the theater and these type of people walk in. And of course, we all have that stereotyping mind at play as we watch the continuous trail of viewers enter the theater. “That guy right there is on his first date with her. Just look at how far apart they are from one another. The girl isn’t really into him. That family doesn’t know what they’re getting themselves into coming to see this movie. It’s going to be awkward for the dad. Now those two. Those two are in love. Now wait a minute, Uhhh ohhh! Look at these lil bastards here! Yeah, they’re gonna be a problem.” We’ve all taken part in this scenario before. An all too familiar impending doom for the avid movie watcher. The pesky teenagers who don’t know how to pipe down to save their lives. Yeah, I think these are the worst of the pack.
These are the kids you hope you never give birth to. These are the kids you hope your future kids never “add as a friend” or grow to “follow”. They initially come into the theater talking. And you, trying to be the optimistic person you are, begin to think positively. “Maybe they’re just talking while the commercials and movie trivia is on. Yeah, that’s it. They’ve seen these already.” Then the previews begin and they’re still talking and you think to yourself, “maybe they’ve already seen these before as well. They’ll stop talking once the movie starts, right?” The room gets darker, the words feature presentation appear on the screen and the movie begins and you unfortunately realize you’re going to have to endure these lil bastards for the rest of the night. And to make matters worse, they sat right behind none other than you. Sound familiar? Well, if it doesn’t, it is very familiar to me. This is a reoccurring problem within the movie watcher community. It gets filed between the bratty little kid who keeps kicking the back of my chair, the woman in my aisle who has to use the bathroom every twenty minutes and the sneezy neighbor on my moviegoer shit list.
I often reenact in my mind images of those bad asses being forced into the movie we are watching, especially if it has to do with mobsters, aliens, poisonous creatures or epic natural disasters. Yeah, push them into the big ass never ending Spartan pit. “Release the Kraken” on those intolerable youth wishing to spoil my movie. And so I ask you, why must we endure these pestilent, disrespectful, “miscreants” (as my grandma would call them) ruining our cinematic experience as they talk during Dirty Harry, The Last Airbender and Space Mutiny? Well apparently we no longer have to in some places. I’m hoping that the Regal in Silver Spring will soon begin to employ this system. I’d definitely use it. But until then they could always use this.
So to wrap up this Inconvenient Truth of a fiasco:
1. Enter the theater
2. Noisy person enters the theater
3. Push the panic button
4. Movie staff to the rescue
5. Lil bastards say, “f*** you” to the staff and commence to whoopin’ their a**
6. Exit your seat and swiftly exit the theater…LoL
7. Drive to your nearest redbox
8. Watch movies within the safety and silence of your own home for $1