So, there are about two weeks until Christmas. And, because of this, you’re probably buried under an insane amount of inane Christmas songs. Some are epic, and some are epic…ally bad. As with the Halloween Version of TWIHH, we’re focusing on the latter. There is no ranking of the sadness/badness of these songs, just a collection of SMH-worthy songs. Since this is hip-hop-related, however, songs such as “The Christmas Shoes” and “Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer” will be spared my wrath. Besides, we’ll have enough earsplits with what we’ve got below. I’ll also (try to) keep from being biased towards bad West Coast Christmas-esque songs.
Before, let’s share this epicness from David Banner. It’s, to me, a great Christmas song in a political/speaking on commercialism and black poverty type of way (Make sure your headphones are in, though. It’s gritty).
Now…let us begin.
Derek B – “Chillin’ With Santa”
Now, I had no idea who Derek B was before this, as he was more of an exclusive to the UK. But, I do know that some of his other songs were less cringeworthy. For “Chillin’ With Santa,” the chorus breakdown was probably the best part of it. The bad? It’s five minutes long. Whenever you think that it’s done, Derek B continues his late-night story time/potentially drunken rambles about the time he was “chillin’ out with Santa.” It’s like “Children’s Story,” if Slick Rick attempted to shill out some holiday-friendly buffoonery in that classic song instead of, you know, cautioning people of the dangers of trying to be a thug. Sadly, Derek B died in 2009 of a heart attack.
Gorilla Zoe – “It’s Christmas”
Ummm, I’m all for dope boy rap. But, not on Christmas. ‘Nuff said.
Jim Jones – “Dipset X-Mas Time”
This comes from the same album as the remix of “Ballin’,” so it has that awesome 2006 rap vibe. But, something about Jim and company shouting out what they bang on a Christmas song just…makes me sad. It’d be like a rapper talking about eating pork on a song about Ramadan. It’s uncalled for and pretty disrespectful. But, the A Dipset Christmas album kind of captures what Christmas has become to some (an exercise in extravagance for no real reason), so maybe Jim Jones was making some sort of covert social commentary?
Jim Jones and JR Writer – “Ballin’ on Xmas”
Jim…please stay away from my holidays! Plus, it just took “Christmas in Hollis” and made it some sort of insanity. Now, part of Dipset’s “genius” was/is the fact that they were able to take the most random samples/beats and make songs that were halfway fire. Cam’ron sampling The Golden Girls theme song on his Ghetto Heaven Vol. 1 mixtape is a prime example. Here, however, it just doesn’t work for me. This song, lyrically, is nice. But, it suffers from the same craziness as the last song.
Tha Dogg Pound – “I Wish”
This song is actually not that bad, compared to some of the other ones. However, with lines like “’cause if I die today I’m going to hell,” it’s not exactly something you want to go around caroling with your kids/family/random work buddies. You’re probably wondering, though, “Speed, why is this one ‘bad,’ but David Banner’s song is ‘good?'” Well, simply put, “I Wish” comes from a similar vein as “Crossroads.” It’s a great song, its message is somewhat kumbayah and “let’s chill on the killing and such.” But, it’s hokey (or has become hokey through its overuse and overplay over the years). Again, that’s not to say that “I Wish” or “Crossroads” aren’t good songs; they’re classics (“Crossroads” especially). But, both songs have that same mid-1990s “Stop the Violence, even though I’m still rapping about it three songs later” vibe.
Ying Yang Twins – “Deck da Club”
If you’re like me, you’re probably not going to be in the booty club for Christmas. The week before, eh, that’s debatable…but not actually on Christmas (I have some morals, people). However, for these brothers, seeing skrippers and seeing them twerk and such seems to be the highlight of the year. Sadly, if you zone out and just listen to the beat–even though it’s typical early-2000s crunk-bounce–it’s not that bad of a song. That is, again, until you remember that this is a song that someone’s probably performed a “Wicked Games” to. And, yes, I did have something a bit less safe-for-work that I wanted to say, but I bit my tongue.
And this concludes another edition of TWIHH. Next week? Winners and Losers of 2013. Don’t get pissed at me if your favorite artist is on the list. Get mad at them for having such a wack year.